Family Values are Under Attack

That’s right, folks, you’ve heard it first from me: Family values are under attack. People across the nation are fighting for the right for same-sex couples to wed, to adopt children, to raise families with love and compassion–and our family values are under attack.

You might think I’m on the wrong side of the fence here, but you’d be mistaken.

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You Don’t Really Want To Know

Or, more specifically,

Why You Shouldn’t Really Ask (Why We Shouldn’t Really Tell)

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is a great idea. We know this. We all know this. Why those men in politics are trying to change this fact baffles me. Of course we can all understand the reasoning for the whole thing: Straight men cannot control themselves, and since most men in the armed forces are naturally unable to think on a higher level, to put narrow-minded men around homosexuals without providing sufficient protection for the latter from the former is a ridiculous thing to do. So we made Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, to help protect these harmless homosexuals from the men who mean them harm.

Some may argue that DADT was put in place because gay men are innately and unnaturally promiscuous, that all they want in the armed forces is a good hookup and some dropped soap in the showers, but these lies are only spewed by straight men who know the truth: That this law is merely for the protection of innocent homosexuals.

Everyone knows homosexuals are no more sexual than heterosexuals, and just the same, everybody knows that straight men are much more violent and uncontrollable than gay men will ever be.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has been such a tremendous success (even despite those poor homosexuals who could not be sufficiently protected from these barbarian heteros and were subjected to cruel and unusual punishments on account of it, sometimes even death), that many bright-minded men and women believe we should apply this policy to other areas of our lives. Since obviously something as amazing as this will in time become a part of everything we do, I’ve decided to write about a few tentative examples of the various applications that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has for us.

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