Heartache

A week ago I landed in Mexico City and for the first time hugged the man I love. I had played out the moment of our meeting in my head for months–I’d painstakingly visualized everything I would wear in preparation for that one moment–and each time I thought of it, another scenario played out. In one, I awkwardly said hello and we just sort of stood there. In another, we kissed as passionately as I could imagine.

Instead, when I saw him, I rushed up to him, and in unison we embraced each other in a hug that lasted for such a long, precious moment. His arms curled around my back perfectly, and as mine wove around his body, it felt as if we had been shaped for each other. In that one moment, I knew all the love I felt for him was as deep and profound in person as it had been over the months we’d been seeing each other online.

Except that was a week ago, and this is today.

My love for him has grown since then, but life has only grown harder. Before we met, I only knew how to share my life with him over long distances and the amazingly wonderful technology we’re privileged to have in this world. Now I know how fulfilling it is to share life with him with all these devices stripped away–how his hand feels in mine, the curve of his neck as I rest my head on his shoulder, the taste of his lips, the way he combs his hair in the morning, the way he yawns before bed, his eyes begging for sleep.

Now that I’m home, it doesn’t feel as much like home as his small room in Mexico City: Part of my heart stayed with him, and my life seems fractured by our being apart.

I have faith that we’ll persevere through this challenge, and I imagine–and I hope, though I can’t see it now–that in a few more days, maybe a couple weeks, I will have gotten used to his absence and can begin to focus once more on my day-to-day life while we eagerly await our next chance to meet.

It isn’t easy, and sometimes I wonder if I’ll be able to make it. Three months seems an awfully long time to wait, even though I know time will rush past much faster if I don’t try to count the seconds as they go.

I was blessed to have so many amazing experiences in Mexico City, and I look forward to sharing many of them as soon as final papers are written and final exams are finished, but in the meantime I’m still trying to figure out how to overcome this deep sense of sadness that has filled this place inside me he occupied only a few short days ago.

Have you had any experiences with long-distance relationships? How have you managed to bear the unbearable time apart from those whom you love?

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One thought on “Heartache

  1. I loved reading this. I, too, had a long distance relationship, and it felt like I was dying on the inside knowing that the person I loved was out experiencing their own life without me. It was a difficult time, and admittedly, I still think about it to this day. Long distance relationships hurt so bad, but if the love is worth it, you will fight as hard as you can for it. It’s weird what we do for love.

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