I have a friend who likes to tell me–whether sincerely or sarcastically I sometimes cannot tell–that I’m the kind of guy who, when life throws shit at me, just keeps on smiling. And I suppose it’s true. If you’re a longtime reader, you might recall past discussions on regret and pessimism that asserted I believe everything must work out in the end, and that the best way to survive is to keep smiling–even if it’s only a choice, not a direct response.
So I keep on smiling.
But sometimes it feels there’s no need–because everything’s in order anyways.
I have a secret I keep wishing to post on Facebook, but every time I get close, the words just don’t seem right. It’s not a very big secret, either–it’s just a feeling (that guards deeper feelings, but still, you know?). When words alone are not enough, there are two obvious answers: more words or less words.
I’m saving my “less words” for when the time is right.
This is my attempt at “more words” (relative to a Facebook status, I mean).
So back in November, all that long time ago, I was afraid I wouldn’t finish NaNoWriMo–so I kept to a strict musical diet while writing. Purely Nightwish while I finished Astra’s End, and then the moment I switched to Sirium–a sequel/spin-off of Super–I popped in my new Lady Gaga album for the first time and listened to it straight through–until I sailed comfortably past 50,000 totals words and finished Sirium. My goal is to revise it and then post it serially on Silent Soliloquy, so keep an eye out for it over the coming months.
In any case, the more I listened to her lyrics, the more they meant to me–it was, in so few words, the music I needed to hear at that moment–the music that spoke to me, captured what I was feeling, and translated it into concepts and coordinates I could understand and make sense of. So many times I’ve wanted to say, “Lady Gaga is my life right now,” but what does that mean? No one would understand.
I thought about posting quotes to “Venus” and “Gypsy,” the songs that speak to me most, but then it would just overshadow the significance behind the words, what they truly mean to me right now.
So I’ll type up the lyrics and then leave the page.
It’s not only Lady Gaga though. Looking at my past experiences, it’s as if everything has been building towards this one moment–preparing me, so to say, to face all the obstacles I’m facing now. It’s serendipitous, the way this always works out–and I see it in others’ lives as well. One good friend comes to me asking how to deal with another, and then the other comes to me with a solution independent of what we had discussed–that makes the entire discussion likely irrelevant. All I had to do was listen; the world responds.
Tracing circles. It was a mantra of my youth, two words that captured in any instance my feeling of ennui in living a routine life. Or it was my silent prayer of description of what was going on–hours spent literally tracing invisible circles, walking endlessly as I imagined myself entangled in what would ultimately become the mythology I hold so dear to me today. And now it seems the writer’s ploy–that slow laying down of elements into a story that each must be returned to, in turn, to build up another layer of mystery and meaning.
Except now it’s left the storybook and I see it in four-dimensional structure.
There, a few years past, when the link began. That first buckle as it began to bend. The slow curvature as life progressed, unaware of what was coming. That crossover at the next encounter, one ring now built upon another, this golden cosmic spiral ascending heavenbound and brilliant. Now I see it like a cylinder, holding us, a thread that ties two together for what–how long–could it be forever?
I do not have answers. Sometimes I even lack questions. But what is either when we’re entwined in this cosmic order–when all we must do is listen for the world to respond?