Chaos is Order

My intent was to keep a NaNoWriMo journal going.

November first. Tuesday. Busy at school all day. Didn’t write a word till the kick-off party–but we had such a great turn-out, it was awesome. So glad so many people showed up. It really made my day. I got just past two-thousand words. Reaching my daily goal made me happy.

But I missed Tuesday. And then I missed Wednesday. And then I missed Thursday. And then the weekend came and homework followed and I realized I still hadn’t even posted here. At all.

This is how life usually is each November. With school in full session, with leadership responsibilities building up, and then to add a novel on top of that? It’s insane. But when it comes to NaNoWriMo, that’s the point.

I wanted both this weekend and the last to write things up to post during the week, but it just hasn’t happened. Instead I spend my weekends catching up on schoolwork and preparing for the myriad number of workshops I’m doing over the next week. The current tally is three. And I’m not really nervous about any of them.

Well, I am nervous about the one. It’s for a large conference, it’ll be my biggest and longest workshop yet, and I’m worried I’ll fall flat. That I’ll forget everything I know and be that workshop everyone looks back on and says, “Why did I ever go to that one?” I’ve been to workshops like that before. That’s not the workshop I want to lead. I know I know what I know, but the trepidation is still prevalent.

And my room’s a mess. Let’s just throw that one out there. I’ve tried to keep it clean, but so much else grabs my attention that textbooks and homework assignments and everything else under the sun is strewn everywhere–usually centered on my bed. So then I move it to the floor before I go to sleep, and then it’s centered there. I try to clean things up, a little bit every day, but sometimes the mess builds faster than I can tear it down.

All the while I’m falling further and further behind in everything else I’m trying to do. Outstanding homework assignments. Scheduling write-ins. Making meeting agendas. Preparing my PowerPoints–I wanted these done already, why aren’t they done already?

I don’t get it. What’s a guy to do when a guy can only do one thing too few of what he’s signed on to do?

The worst part is that I love it. I love having so much to do, even if I hate not having the time or energy to do it. I love being able to teach people and make a difference, even if I hate having to chop off a personal life and neglect lifelong friends to get it done. I love learning and being successful in school, but I hate how it fills me with stress and gnaws at my hairline.

Life is chaos. And chaos is order we just can’t perceive. But what is order? What is order but a sequence from which we derive meaning, a pattern inferred from random variables discretely filling every facet of our lives? What is order other than a path, a to-do list, a how-to guide for the perplexed?

I strive for order and I live in chaos. I know the two are one and the same, and sometimes I want neither. I want a moment of peace to return to myself. I want a day of silence to read all these books I haven’t opened yet. I want a week to write all those things I’ve always wanted to write. And just a moment, a single moment to share with someone incredible, a moment timeless and eternal, a moment in which two souls are one, in which fear is dispelled in favor of awe, in which my soul rests in his hands and his heart is all mine.

But then it all dissolves back into chaos and I’m where I began.

I guess all I’m asking for is a full night’s sleep. The dreams, the warmth, the rejuvenation. Yes. That’ll do for now.

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One thought on “Chaos is Order

  1. I have just spent about 6 hours in a row writing. The total word count for those six hours is 1,500 words. It flies by so quickly and I genuinely have no idea where the time goes. One minute I’m writing in a new narrative, an uncounted number of rewritings later the sun dawns and I can’t account for even a quarter of the time spent. Seas of time, Darren.

    I really need to learn to let go of my inner editor.

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