So I’m Finally Free from Finals…

It’s the summer and I’m ready to go.

Actually, I should be ready to go, but I don’t feel it yet. This past semester was a killer. It started off innocent enough, at least on the surface. My tutoring hours in the math lab were surprisingly simplistic, if slightly busier this time than the start of last semester. Under the surface, however, dark forces were brewing.

The first of these took the form of electromagnetism–the topic of choice in Physics II, since mechanics and thermodynamics are so obviously last year. And, trust me, this course picked up precisely where last year’s left off–and just as difficult, too. That I was not expecting, and it took me a while to adjust. (Not to mention the amount of homework I’ve had all year kept me perpetually behind in physics, for which I was exceedingly gracious for my teacher’s perpetual extensions.)

The second was more serene: the study of differential equations. At first it was scary, then sublime, and then slowly stimulating. The problems were hours-long on most occasions, but the material was fascinating once I got into it. Definitely one of my favorite areas of math so far! Although I must admit, although at times my calc III teacher wasn’t always on the same page as my learning style, his class was tremendously fun and I loved the material. Three-space is my space, you know?

The last factor was far worse than these, and many times more subtle. It seemed from the start that every weekend was full: With Phi Theta Kappa, the Gay-Straight Alliance, Ambassador duties, extra homework, or take-home tests, it never seemed to let up–and when it did, I only had to catch up on my other classes and barely had time to breathe, let alone catch my breath just once.

At the start I was also keeping up well with my blog, and with my goals (which I shall analyze more deeply at another time), but as the semester wore on and course work piled up and only got significantly harder with every passing class, my free time dwindled to a premium, and what little bit I had left I happily (and perhaps shamelessly, for the time it took away from my other friends) devoted to my boyfriend, who seems like so much more to me than just a boyfriend. It’s wonderful.

So now the summer’s finally upon us. The problem is not that it’s summer, but that it’s right after a trying semester. I usually need a bit of time to recuperate, but this time, I suppose I feel like I’ll need a bit more. On the one hand, it’s nice to let go and relax, waste time and just enjoy myself in meaningless endeavors only meaningful in the way of little pleasures, but on the other hand, life like this sucks.

I don’t mind playing video games or reading web comics or watching TV, but there’s so many more things I’d rather be doing right now, that I just don’t have the motivation to conquer. I want to write stories, read novels, catch up on my blog with more posts than I can suffice to surmise, complete summer projects, learn to drive, try to make some money tutoring on the side, catch up in my journal that I haven’t touched since November, and consolidate all my notes from the past two semesters. But I just don’t have it in me.

Well, I do have it in me, it’s just not easily at the surface yet. So this is my plan. I’m going to start small and try to work up all the pieces one by one. I promised myself and my readers that this summer would be the return of my reading the Pirkei Avot, and I intend to begin doing so tomorrow–the first Saturday of my summer (even though the summer isn’t technically until June). Then I’m going to make fliers for my tutoring, and from there I’ll see where life takes me. I will get to all of this, since most of it will take only a little time to accomplish, and then I’ll be happier.

I miss being able to do the things that I enjoy, and I miss being able to talk with my friends and keep in touch with them consistently. But this semester was draining, tiringly so, and I just don’t have the strength yet to do it.

Please understand: I’m an introvert, and as much as I might dislike it sometimes, I need to recover alone before I can return to anyone–or anything–else. But then, I’ll be ready.


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