Or, more specifically,
Why You Shouldn’t Really Ask (Why We Shouldn’t Really Tell)
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is a great idea. We know this. We all know this. Why those men in politics are trying to change this fact baffles me. Of course we can all understand the reasoning for the whole thing: Straight men cannot control themselves, and since most men in the armed forces are naturally unable to think on a higher level, to put narrow-minded men around homosexuals without providing sufficient protection for the latter from the former is a ridiculous thing to do. So we made Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, to help protect these harmless homosexuals from the men who mean them harm.
Some may argue that DADT was put in place because gay men are innately and unnaturally promiscuous, that all they want in the armed forces is a good hookup and some dropped soap in the showers, but these lies are only spewed by straight men who know the truth: That this law is merely for the protection of innocent homosexuals.
Everyone knows homosexuals are no more sexual than heterosexuals, and just the same, everybody knows that straight men are much more violent and uncontrollable than gay men will ever be.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has been such a tremendous success (even despite those poor homosexuals who could not be sufficiently protected from these barbarian heteros and were subjected to cruel and unusual punishments on account of it, sometimes even death), that many bright-minded men and women believe we should apply this policy to other areas of our lives. Since obviously something as amazing as this will in time become a part of everything we do, I’ve decided to write about a few tentative examples of the various applications that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has for us.
The first application is one that will aid healthcare companies nation-wide: Starting early next year, fast food restaurants will no longer be able to ask for your order, and you will no longer be able to tell them.
This may seem counter-intuitive at first, but let’s look at the naked facts here: Obesity is quickly becoming–if it has not already become–one of the most threatening health afflictions in the United States. Not only does it lead to diabetes, weak knees, and many other medical complications, obesity is not in the least visibly appealing. And how are we supposed to believe in the American dream if Americans are no longer dreamy?
You might be wondering what this has to do with fast food restaurants, but trust me, it’ll all be clear in a moment when you hear this stunning fact: One of the leading causes of obesity in America is fast food. And no, I’m not talking of cheetahs chasing gazelles–a genuine example of fast food–but of all the trans-saturated high carb fat we drive through daily.
If the man behind the counter or just on the other side of that drive-through speaker can no longer ask you to place your order, and if you can no longer tell them your order, you will no longer be able to eat fast food and your health will be guaranteed to improve within minutes. This may seem to infringe upon your personal freedom to eat where you want and eat what you want, but it’s for your own protection. It’s a necessary sacrifice.
Another anticipated application of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell in everyday life is at rental merchandisers, such as movie stores and local libraries. As soon as DADT is put into place, you will have no obligation to ask if you have any late fees and these retailers will be barred from telling you about any that you might have incurred.
This, too, might seem contradictory: Late fees are there for a reason, to keep people prompt in returning borrowed merchandise and to reimburse the business for any mishandling of its goods. Once more, however, the bare facts will enlighten you tremendously and convince you that this is not only the only way to go, but also the best way to go.
The primary point: Most people never get around to paying these late fees anyways, and it only costs us hours and hours of hard work trying to acquire these fees to no avail. If these fees can no longer be inquired about and no longer informed about, they can no longer be paid and all these wasted hours will become available for use elsewhere, for such tasks as sweeping the floors or cleaning the restrooms, two tasks we can all appreciate wholeheartedly.
You might be wondering what these businesses will do without the revenue that late fees contribute to reaching their bottom lines. This, however, will not be a problem, since their added productivity using all these wasted hours will more than make up for this small monetary loss. Additionally, since customers will no longer need to throw their money away into late fees such as these, they will be able to spend this money elsewhere, bolstering the economy and helping us come out of this dreaded depression. Perhaps it will harm the freedom of individuals and corporations to conduct business as they see fit, but it’s for the benefit of these very individuals and corporations that we’re doing this. It’s a necessary sacrifice.
The last and most promising application of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is not for the public sector, but for the ultra-private sector: Men and women will no longer be able to ask other men and women out to a date, and these same men and women will no longer be able to tell someone if they want to go out on a date at all. This may seem the most ridiculous at first, but certainly if you still need convincing after reading about these other priceless applications of DADT, I’ll be sure to make you agree with this law before you finish reading this article.
First of all, let me share some more plain facts: Hundreds if not thousands of women are victims of domestic abuse every day. Unwanted pregnancies abound in high schools and colleges, leading to awful debates on abortion, often ending in senseless murders of unborn children or the careless abandonment of born children, forcing them to live broken lives in broken homes, endlessly mistreated by unloving parents or moved from family to family, ultimately learning that there’s no place for them in the world, leading to crime, drugs, and more unwanted children. Additionally, hundreds and thousands of children are bullied throughout middle school and high school for the people they would like to ask out, and dozens of these children, if not dozens of dozens of these children, commit the unthinkable act of suicide to end this bullying. Not to mention, couplings of any kind lead to lower grades, distracted driving, and the spread of STDs, including AIDS, throughout the populace. These things have all got to go.
Surely you know where this argument is headed: If people cannot be asked out, and if people cannot answer such illegal inquiries, these unfavorable situations of love (or mis-love) will be impossible to form, and as soon as that happens, well, surely you follow me? There’ll be no more domestic abuse. There’ll be no more unwanted pregnancies, no more abortions, no more unloved children, and no more need for foster families or adoptions, no more drugs and crime at all. There’ll be no more school bullying and no more teen suicides. There’ll be higher grades, safer driving, and STDs will vanish forever.
This may seem to impose upon your personal freedom to love who you want to love and do with your body as you please to do, but trust me, it’s for the betterment of our entire nation, if not for the betterment of the world itself. This may take some time to get accustomed to, but it truly is for the best of everybody. It’s a necessary sacrifice.
Let’s face it: You really shouldn’t ask.
And more importantly, we really shouldn’t tell.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Seriously? If you were forced to live like this, you’d be angry, too. You’d be furious. You’d be blowing fuses left and right, short-circuiting with every breath you take.
If it were your freedoms being forced from your hands, you’d want to change that. You’d fight to change that.
Likewise, why should gays and lesbians who want to fight for our country–fight for all of these freedoms–be denied the freedom to do so freely? There’s no greater injustice than hypocrisy: These men and women are fighting for freedom, but the people whose freedom they’re fighting for won’t allow them to be free.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is a senseless policy, one that’s outdated, discriminatory, and infringes upon everyone’s personal freedoms in any way you look at it–whether we apply it to nonsense scenarios like these or whether we look at it in the context we’re forced to face it in: the arena of politics and national defense.
Do you know how many people have been discharged because of this bigoted policy? Over a hundred thousand. Do you know how many more never signed up to serve because of this policy? They’re countless, I’m sure. And if these people are meant to be defending our country, what good is it doing to deny them that right–to protect and serve all of you?
There was a booth a few weeks back at my college where they were having people sign up for more information, not even to be a soldier, but to be nurses. The one woman saw my yoga mat and asked if I wanted to get more information. I told her politely I knew I couldn’t ever be a nurse, but I left it at that. I should have prodded her about DADT, but I left it at that. It’s a shame, how in this country that exalts freedom and all men being created equal, there’s an entire sect of people that are denied some of their most basic freedoms and have to feel second-class compared to our fellow brothers and sisters in this (supposedly) great country.
It’s time to change that. It’s time you ask. It’s time we tell.